A Tough One
2.10.2020
This is a difficult post, because it's not what it should be about.
It should be about how excited I was getting certified in Reiki.
It should be about what ritual or love I gave to last night's full moon.
It should be about the fact that today would have been my grandmother's birthday, and how I was hoping to find a way to do something in her memory.
This post isn't about that, however.
Instead, this post is about my depression.
this post has to be about how quickly my positive outlook and excitement was crushed by the one person I choose to love wholeheartedly.
When I got home last night, all of my positive outlook and hopes for the future died. All of this because of alcohol.
It's hard to face that a drink is more important to someone than your feelings.
Instead of coming home and celebrating my Reiki certification with Marlin while drinking mead outside under the full moon, I come home to find Drunk Marlin. I hate Drunk Marlin. And yes, he's a totally different person drunk. Drunk Marlin sways when he stands. He doesn't remember a damn thing I say or he says. His go to phrase is "OK" for everything. I can't stand Drunk Marlin.
There was no point in talking about my day. No point in saying how happy it made me. Nothing I said would be remembered. I didn't even show him my certificates proudly. Because any reaction would be fickle and fake.
There was no going celebrate in the full moon. He was already too drunk to even think to offer to drink more with him. I, instead, stood out under the moon sobbing. Instead of positive affirmations to the moon and the Goddess, I had to have a conversation about how I wish he'd want to change, but I won't do any spell to make him. There were no candles. No music. No merriment. Just tears and depression.
I'm not even sure he knew I went outside. Or, if he did he didn't care....which is an even scarier thought. When I came back in, he soonafter went to bed and passed out. I know it was passing out and not going to bed to sleep because he was basically upside down w/his clothes still on. He didn't care that I was crumbling on the sofa. He didn't care that he hurt me so deeply. Drunk Marlin never does.
So here it is--morning. I've been up since way early. He just got up. I wanted to see a movie today, before last night. Now I just want to hide under my blanket and cry until I can't any more. I wanted to make something or do something to remember my grandma on her day. Now I want to throw away all of my crafting things and give up.
Oh, and Valentine's Day? I bought him something...my dumb ass bought him something related to drinking. I would have smashed it under the full moon light right in front of his truck if we wouldn't have cats outside to worry about. Why did I even think it was a good idea??? I'm an idiot.
I have no one to talk to about this. No one else sees how he is when he's Drunk Marlin. And when they do, they think it's just because we're at a party or whatever. And it used to be just that. But now it's gotten to be at least once a week. I can't handle Drunk Marlin that much. He not only brings out the worst in my husband. He brings out the depression in me.
And that hurts, too. I KNOW he has depression. That's a reason he drinks....I can TELL. But Marlin refuses to get on meds or talk to anyone. But then I am on meds because of my depression, which is made worse because of Drunk Marlin. That's selfish. I work on myself and grow and learn to love and accept myself and my depression. He drinks to forget about Goddess knows what and causes my depression to take stronghold.
Drunk Marlin makes me feel alone in a hole. Drunk Marlin reminds me that, no matter what I may tell myself, I am weak. Drunk Marlin makes me question if Sober Marlin is just a mask he puts on so people think he's happy.
Drunk Marlin has me considering if I shouldn't go to my parents' house for a while because I can't risk him keeping me in this state.......
I am trying to learn and grow. I'm doing this for myself and for us. Am I not worth the same?
I just...
I cant...
This is a difficult post, because it's not what it should be about.
It should be about how excited I was getting certified in Reiki.
It should be about what ritual or love I gave to last night's full moon.
It should be about the fact that today would have been my grandmother's birthday, and how I was hoping to find a way to do something in her memory.
This post isn't about that, however.
Instead, this post is about my depression.
this post has to be about how quickly my positive outlook and excitement was crushed by the one person I choose to love wholeheartedly.
When I got home last night, all of my positive outlook and hopes for the future died. All of this because of alcohol.
It's hard to face that a drink is more important to someone than your feelings.
Instead of coming home and celebrating my Reiki certification with Marlin while drinking mead outside under the full moon, I come home to find Drunk Marlin. I hate Drunk Marlin. And yes, he's a totally different person drunk. Drunk Marlin sways when he stands. He doesn't remember a damn thing I say or he says. His go to phrase is "OK" for everything. I can't stand Drunk Marlin.
There was no point in talking about my day. No point in saying how happy it made me. Nothing I said would be remembered. I didn't even show him my certificates proudly. Because any reaction would be fickle and fake.
There was no going celebrate in the full moon. He was already too drunk to even think to offer to drink more with him. I, instead, stood out under the moon sobbing. Instead of positive affirmations to the moon and the Goddess, I had to have a conversation about how I wish he'd want to change, but I won't do any spell to make him. There were no candles. No music. No merriment. Just tears and depression.
I'm not even sure he knew I went outside. Or, if he did he didn't care....which is an even scarier thought. When I came back in, he soonafter went to bed and passed out. I know it was passing out and not going to bed to sleep because he was basically upside down w/his clothes still on. He didn't care that I was crumbling on the sofa. He didn't care that he hurt me so deeply. Drunk Marlin never does.
So here it is--morning. I've been up since way early. He just got up. I wanted to see a movie today, before last night. Now I just want to hide under my blanket and cry until I can't any more. I wanted to make something or do something to remember my grandma on her day. Now I want to throw away all of my crafting things and give up.
Oh, and Valentine's Day? I bought him something...my dumb ass bought him something related to drinking. I would have smashed it under the full moon light right in front of his truck if we wouldn't have cats outside to worry about. Why did I even think it was a good idea??? I'm an idiot.
I have no one to talk to about this. No one else sees how he is when he's Drunk Marlin. And when they do, they think it's just because we're at a party or whatever. And it used to be just that. But now it's gotten to be at least once a week. I can't handle Drunk Marlin that much. He not only brings out the worst in my husband. He brings out the depression in me.
And that hurts, too. I KNOW he has depression. That's a reason he drinks....I can TELL. But Marlin refuses to get on meds or talk to anyone. But then I am on meds because of my depression, which is made worse because of Drunk Marlin. That's selfish. I work on myself and grow and learn to love and accept myself and my depression. He drinks to forget about Goddess knows what and causes my depression to take stronghold.
Drunk Marlin makes me feel alone in a hole. Drunk Marlin reminds me that, no matter what I may tell myself, I am weak. Drunk Marlin makes me question if Sober Marlin is just a mask he puts on so people think he's happy.
Drunk Marlin has me considering if I shouldn't go to my parents' house for a while because I can't risk him keeping me in this state.......
I am trying to learn and grow. I'm doing this for myself and for us. Am I not worth the same?
I just...
I cant...
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